10 Commandments of Time Outs in a Relationship

The best defense against verbal abuse is a formal time-out.

When either partner calls a time-out – by saying the words, “time-out,” by using the “T“ hand signal, or by using any agreed-upon sign – the interaction comes to an immediate stop. 

The spoken or gestured signal is understood by both partners to be an abbreviation of the following words:

“Dear partner. For whatever reason, right or wrong, I am about to lose it. If I stay here and keep this up with you I am liable to do or say something stupid that I know I’m going to regret. Therefore I am taking a break to get a grip on myself and calm down. I will check back in with you responsibly.”

The default interval for a time-out is 20 minutes. You can specify something else if you like. But if no time is specified, 20 minutes is when you need to check-in. 

Checking in does not necessarily mean getting back together. You can check in–either in person or by telephone–and tell your partner that you need more time. With each extension, the time-out interval gets longer. The recommended length between check-ins is:

  • Twenty minutes
  • One or two hours
  • Half a day
  • A whole day
  • Overnight

When reconnecting after a time-out, you must take a 24-hour moratorium on the subject that triggered the initial fight.

10 commandments of time outs in a relationship:-

1. Use time-outs as a circuit breaker

A time-out is a rip stop; it is the cord you pull to stop a runaway train, a brake, the thing you use to HALT an interaction that either has crossed over into or is quickly crossing over into, haywire. 

Time outs have one job and one job only – to stop abruptly a psychologically violent or unconstructive interaction between you and your partner.

2. Take your time out from the “I”

Calling for a time-out has everything to do with me and NOTHING to do with you. Calling for a time-out means that I don’t like how I am feeling, or what I am doing or about to do. Whether or not you think you have a problem with how you’re behaving or how “it’s” going between us is strictly your business.

3. Take distance responsibly

Time outs are obviously a form of distance taking, and like all forms of distance taking there are two ways to do it – provocatively or responsibly. 

Responsible distance taking has two pieces to it: 

  • An explanation
  • A promise of return

“This is why I am seeking distance and this is when I intend on coming back.” 

Provocative distance taking, by contrast, has neither – you just take the distance without any explanation or taking care of your partner’s anxieties about your leaving. I also speak of provocative distance-taking as incompetent distance-taking since it tends to get you chased.

4. Use the phrase (time out) or the gesture (the “T” sign) as an abbreviation.

I’ve often said that there are times when, if you open your mouth to speak, demons will fly out. You may not be able to control that. What is always under your control is the ability to turn your heel and leave.

The phrase “time out” or the T sign as a gesture are abbreviations for the following phrase:

“Honey, no matter how you may be feeling or assessing things, I don’t like how I’m doing and I don’t trust what I am about to do. So, I’m taking some time to regain my composure and I will be back to you when I do.”

5. Don’t let yourself get stopped

Timeouts are unilateral. They are your last-ditch effort to avoid immature words or actions. Unlike virtually every other Couple’s tool, time outs a non-negotiable declaration – “I’m leaving.” 

You’re not asking permission and you cannot allow yourself to be stopped. Don’t call a time-out and stand there to keep talking! Leave. Leave the room and go into another–a bedroom for example–and close the door.

If your partner won’t leave you alone, then leave the house – with or without the kids, your call. Go down the block for a cup of coffee. 

If your partner physically blocks you from leaving call the police, have them come to assist you. I have rarely met a couple where the police had to be called more than once.

6. Use check-ins at prescribed intervals

Since you’re not using a time-out to punish your partner but rather to calm things down, it is critical that you check in with your partner from time to time in order to take the emotional temperature between you.
The intervals I suggest are: 

  • an hour
  • three hours
  • a half day
  • a whole day
  • an overnight

Check-ins can be done in person although cooler media might be advised. You can check in by phone or even by texting.

7. Remember your goal

Time outs are about one thing–stopping in its tracks emotionally violent, immature, destructive behavior. Stopping such behavior in your relationship is a goal that supersedes all other goals. 

You may need to work on better communication, more sharing, or negotiation, but none of that will happen until you succeed in wrestling the beast of nasty transactions to the ground. 

Whatever point you want to make, whatever the content of the issue, nothing matters more than ending these sorts of transactions – so keep your priorities straight – nothing takes precedence over a time out.

8. Return in good faith

When are you ready to end a time-out? When you and your partner are both reseated enough in your adult selves to have a positive interaction again. That means you too. Don’t return with a grudge or a chip on your shoulder, you’ll just start up again. Come back when you are truly ready to make peace.

9. Use a twenty-four-hour moratorium on triggering topics

A mistake a lot of couples make when they re-engage is to try to “process” what just happened. Bad idea. When you come back from a time out just make nice to each other. Give your partner a hug and a cup of tea. Do NOT try to sort through whatever the topic was that triggered the time out for twenty-four hours.

10. Know when to get help and use it.

If you find that a certain topic–kids, sex, money–ALWAYS triggers a nasty transaction, take that as a signal that you need some outside support in order to have that conversation constructively. 

Go to a minister or a mental health professional for help. If you find that heated, unhelpful transactions occur with enough regularity that you are frequently resorting to time-outs, take that as a signal that you and your partner need some ongoing couple’s work.

Sign up for our email newsletter.

Enter your details to receive the latest news from Terry straight to your inbox. You’re about to access:

CE REQUIREMENTS:

The Relational Life Institute is pleased to offer:

The RLT Level 1 Training Course

Relational Life Institute (RLI) has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7495. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Relational Life Institute (RLI) is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs. 

FORMAT: Five LIVE Online Sessions on Zoom, facilitated by Kate Harris, Phd; plus teaching by Terry Real, LICSW; Cathy Hill, PhD; and Anna Sterk, LMFT

Continuing Ed credits offered:  10 credit hours for 5 Classes

At the completion of this course, all participants will be invited by email to purchase the 10 CE credits for a $40 fee. To receive a certificate, you must attend the full course. There is no partial credit, attendance will be taken.

Content:

Over five live classes you’ll be introduced to the powerful principals behind Relational Life Therapy (RLT). RLT Level 1 is designed to give you an in-depth introduction to the theory and practice of the RLT model. 

Discover the differences between RLT and traditional psychodynamic therapy. Also considered are the stances of “one-down shame” and “one-up grandiosity” in couples; according to RLT, true intimacy can only happen when partners are “same-as” with each other. RLT is about action and swift results, helping people to make major changes to the negative parts of their character, and the critical role and stance of the therapist is described. Presented also are the concepts of Relational Mindfulness, Joining Through the Truth, and psychological patriarchy.

RLT Level 1 is the first step toward RLT certification and will prepare you for the Level 2 & 3 trainings.

Learning Objectives: At the completion of this course, participants can expect to:

  1. Compare the RLT phases and how RLT differs from traditional therapy
  2. Describe the role and approach of the therapists in RLT
  3. List the seven lenses
  4. Explain the role of data gathering

  

Throughout the course, you’ll learn: 

    • True intimacy can only happen when partners are “same as”—neither one-up nor one-down
    • That RLT Therapists and Coaches will confront and teach their clients how to actually live relationally
    • How to use the RLT Lenses in Intervention & Finding Leverage
    • How RLT Therapists and Coaches use judicious self-disclosure, sharing stories of they use these same skills in their own relationships.

Target Audience: Social Workers, MFTs, Counselors, Substance Abuse Counselors, Nurses, and LMHCs, LMFT’s, Educators, Chemical Dependency Counselors 

Course Content Level: The course content is appropriate for Beginner level clinicians.

Cost: $497 in full; or 3 payments of $179 each

Course Dates & Hours: 

January 14, 21, 28; February 17, 11, 2025

Hours: 12pm to 2pm Eastern Time each class

Cancelation Policy: You may request a refund up to 2 days after the first live session.

Please contact support@terryreal.com if you wish to cancel your purchase.

If you need special accommodations or have questions, please contact us.

Registering for the course on the RLI website for is required to receive a Continuing Ed Certificate.

FAQ’s

How do I receive the Zoom link?

The Zoom link is emailed to you from ZOOM when you register for the course. If you do not receive the link, please contact us at support@terryreal.com

Should the name you register with match your Zoom name?

Yes, your first and last both names must be entered on your registration and then displayed on the screen during all classes. Please do not use nicknames, or employee ID numbers or log into Zoom using a co-worker or family member’s Zoom Account as this will post you as ABSENT.

When will I get my certificate?

Certificates will be available within ten business days of the event. Certificates will be emailed to the email address you used to register for the course.

Please contact our Support team if you have any questions support@terryreal.com

Instructor’s Bios:

Terry Real, LICSW: Terry Real is the bestselling author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, the straight-talking How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work and most recently Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship just debuted in June 2022.

He founded the Relational Life Institute, offering workshops for couples, individuals, and parents as well as a professional training program for clinicians.   Terry’s work, with its rigorous commonsense approach, speaks to both men and women. A proponent of “full-throttle marriage,” Terry has been called “the most innovative voice in thinking about and treating men and their relationships in the world today.”

Kate Harris, PhD: Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Kate is a Clinical Psychologit and a certified Martha Bec, North Star Coach. In 2015, Kate watched Terry Real work live with 5 couples and was instantly committed to becoming an RLT therapist. Kate believes that RLT honors “the worth and dignity of all people” and it aligns clearly with her own personal values. After attending a Relationship Bootcamp workshop, she and her husband learned first hand the tools Terry reaches and they continue to use them today to deepen their 32 year relationship. Kate became RLT Certified in 2018 and is a valued teacher.

Anna Sterk, LMFT

Anna began training in RLT with Terry Real in 2012 and has been providing therapy, Essential Skills Bootcamps, consultation and supervision through the RLT model for years; Anna was thrilled to have the opportunity to teach and train practitioners as faculty with the Relational Life Institute (RLI) beginning in 2022.  Anna’s style as a therapist, teacher, and supervisor is to balance compassion and collaboration with direct feedback. Anna’s roots are in systems theory and cultural studies, which was a natural fit for the RLT model, and supports her goal of teaching the skills to navigate long term relationships and support relational living for both clients and students alike. As RLI Faculty, Anna teaches the Practicum courses and Small Group Mentoring for RLT certification students, along with special topic courses.

Cathy Hill, Ph.D., R. Psych:

Cathy Hill began training in RLT in 2010 after attending her first Relationship Bootcamp and from that experience was determined that Terry needed to teach others to do RLT. Cathy persisted in this idea and Terry ended up having Cathy set up adanced training for his senior therapists which was very well received. Soon after she was named Director of Training for RLI. Cathy is trained in the ‘scientist-practitioner’ model, and is devoted to getting RLT ‘evidence-based’ which requires excellent in training in order to translate into excellence in practice.

CONFLICT of Interest: There is no known conflict of interest or commercial support for this event.

Grievance Procedure:

If a student believes they have been discriminated against, they can submit a written

complaint that includes their name, address, phone number, location, date, and a

detailed description of the issue. If a student with a disability disagrees with the

accommodation provided or has any other grievances, they can schedule a meeting to

discuss and attempt to find a solution together. If the student is still not satisfied with the

accommodation after further discussion, they can contact the Operations Director for

the Relational Life Institute (RLI), Lisa Sullivan, via phone, email, or mail. If the

grievance cannot be resolved, the complainant will be advised to contact the

appropriate Ethics Committee or Licensing Board. The Operations Director will keep all

grievances and their resolutions confidential in locked files. A copy of this Grievance

Procedure is available upon request.

Contact information: ACEP Administrator & Operations Director for Relational Life Institute (RLI), Lisa Sullivan follows: 291 Nahanton Street, Newton, MA 02459; 617-861-3030 lisa@relationallife.com